Let’s rest for a while ’til our souls catch us up

Ok ok ok its been quite a while since I got round to this – apologies – i will try to explain – vaguely and i wont waffle on. Well ill try.

I have currently been off work for 2 weeks and will be off work for a further two weeks, i have been signed off by my doctor with stress and depression. I have to admit ive been feeling pretty crap but its very hard to pinpoint why some days. I have good and bad days, today for example was a bad day. I am getting exremely worked up about the fact we have to move again in June and have soooo much to do before then and nothing is done! This is bringing up my anxiety issues. The other problem we have which makes this whole situation a bloody nightmare is something i try to deal with but have had since i was little is when things are moved without my knowledge i get very disorientated and confused and i feel very sick and upset. So today was a complete disaster as we packed 3 boxes with just books and i went into meltdown because the room then looked different. I couldnt deal with it so shoved the boxes on the floor and went to sleep. My current situation fixer of choice – a not very productive one but it calms me down. I wake up feeling much better but HAVE to move the boxes where i cant see them.
At this minute in time i am still feeling quite unsettled but my doctor/counsellor recommends happy music, so it is now midnight and i am sitting listening to absolute pop rubbish – for example rick astley never gonna give you up. On normal occasions i would quite rightly advise anybody to disown me such a cheesy choice of song but im hoping some slack will be given under the circumstances.
That is my pathetic excuse for not keeping in better contact with people lately and i am truly sorry but i just dont have the energy and some days i really dont want to do anything other than stay in my bed and watch daytime telly like a slob.
I am turning into waynetta slob. Lucky Graeme.

What else – oh yes – my battle with the bulge. I am now that fat that i have been advised by my diabetic nurse to shift some pounds. Great. I was hoping it was in my head and i hadnt turned into a heffer but there it was slap boom in my face – your a porker…. back to the gym me thinks, i have my mums wedding to get slim for and then there is the fact that i would like to be a good example for diabetic women, that if i can shift the pounds then anyone can. Because its bloody hard. I am a carb queen – i love pasta, bread, potatoes – mmmm – but that has to stop. And i know i actually like going to the gym when i get my butt into a regular routine. Im thinking of maybe starting something like line dancing – something fun aswell.
So the countdown is on. Ill do an update.

The big 21 is coming up very soon and i cant believe i am going to be 21!! It seems surreal, it feels hardly any time at all since i turned 18 and now here we are at another milestone. I have changed so much since my 18th birthday it is insane. My life is so different. Who would have thought that I would be out of uni, in a longterm relationship, my parents are now divorced, my mum has a partner, my brother has his own flat and i am surviving real life  – only just.
I am booked in for tattoo numero two just before my b’day! Am very excited, its going to be going up my heel – three tribal butterflys and they have leaves inbetween them – its much nicer than it sounds. I think it will be more painful than the first but i cant wait. Fiona is booked in aswell – an hour after me, she is getting flowers on her foot. Its weird – we did it last year at that kind of time as my tattoo was my birthday present off fiona. Im also wanting little musical notes behind my ear, i found it on a tattoo gallery online and loved the idea, i would also like the saying “shoot for the moon” on my wrist. And maybe one more at the very top of my neck – more my nape. And then that would be it. That would be what….5 think that would be my limit. They would all be quite discreet though so i dont mind. And i like tattoos. Im also thinking of getting my nose pierced again, will have to wait until after the tattoo lol, dont have the money for both.

I think that is big enough update for now. Its late and im very tired and am heading to bed. Well …. graeme is watching golf so i will try and nod off.

I will update soon.

When you wish you be could be a movie star

Listening to: Bring on the wonder – Susan Enan 

Today was not what I would call a great day – Fiona’s grandmother died today. From emphysema. My dads mum had emphysema and it is a horrible thing to get, its very long and drawn out and can take years, as it did in my Nanny Olive’s case. The same with Fiona’s granny. I feel for Fiona so much, my nanny and I are very close and always have been and I would be completely inconsolable if something happened to her. Fiona is not a very emotional person and I think she is struggling to come to terms with her feelings, she tries to bottle things up and I think in this situation that could be a bad combination. She had asked me to the funeral whenever they decide to have it and I have said I will go with her. She is like my family and I want to be there for her. I am worried that the funeral is when she will let go. I know I did, tried to be strong for everyone else at my Nanny’s and then I just couldn’t do it anymore. All I can do is be there for her and let her know i’m there for her.  When something like this happens it makes me immediately think of my grandparents and makes me want to hang onto them for every possible second, they have always been a huge factor in mine and my brother’s lives and my mums and to think of them not here is unthinkable, unimaginable, and unrealistic. They are like the head of the family, my nana is someone whom everyone should have the chance meet – she is a true diamond. A sparkling diamond. And my heart aches I miss her so much. Onto something else that may seem irrelevant and petty in regards to the above but it is something that has been bothering me very much as of late. I am getting sick of diabetes being referred to inappropriately on the television. Sick sick sick. To clarify – there are 2 types of diabetes; type one which is insulin dependent and type two which is diet controlled and medication is given in tablet form. You do not get both types from being overweight – that is type two which is linked in with poor diet and personal exercise. Type one is when your pancreas refuses to produce insulin anymore and you are required to inject insulin into your body to keep it going. It makes me furious when I watch the TV and it is so wrongly represented – the general reflection of diabetes is that you get it from being “fat” – well I can tell you from the horses mouth that isn’t true, I was not fat at the time of being diagnosed and enjoyed going to the gym and I ate relatively healthy – could have been better but could have been a lot worse so for starters I resent feeling like I have me myself and I to blame for having a non working pancreas and second feeling completely misrepresented regularly by the media. More needs to be done to make diabetes a well know condition – it is something that affects so many people and you ask people the facts and not many people could tell you. I would love to push forward new initiatives regarding diabetes and the now widely reported “diabetes time bomb” which does link to type 2 diabetes and the obesity levels in Britain. It is something that needs to made into more of an issue – i.e. diabetes month, diabetes UK is fantastic for information but still not on a big enough level, I would love to be able to wear a diabetes pin badge and make people generally more aware so that a higher percentage of people are aware of it and the consequences involved if its not treated correctly. If anyone has any suggestions on how to make diabetes awareness more profound then leave comments. This is just very short as I have had a long day at work and am looking forward to Eastenders, some toast and a cuppa and my bed.  Until next time Shona

“For you and I are past our dancing days”

I thought that it was about time that I wrote an actual post – my about me section was quite long and I kind of forgot that it wasn’t actually a post.

Not much has been happening in my little world; I had a lovely long weekend off that went way too quickly -Saturday I went to view a flat with my Graeme and my Fiona. We fell in love with the place, it’s the old Dundee Royal Infirmary and is beautiful on the outside and actually very modern inside; you go in and there is a huge living room and open plan kitchen which is actually tucked away almost but is quite large at the same time. The walls all have glass blocks built into them in rows. There is one room downstairs with an ensuite and then you head upstairs where there is a mezzanine with an amazing wrought iron balcony and then there is another bedroom upstairs also with an ensuite. The only thing is we assumed we’d be able to say “grand yes please” but no no we have to apply and get bank references, then the guy who actually owns the place decides on our application and on what the letting agent thought about us. We made him laugh so are hoping that we made him laugh enough to recommend us. Fingers crossed please.   I am an atheist so have varying views on religion, but I have however been praying to some higher faith that we get the flat. I’ve been encouraging Graeme to do the same but he says I am half hearted atheist – I guess I am, it’s just that the flat felt right and I could see us in there. I was off work today and it was great, went into town with Fiona and we pottered about town, I needed to head to the bank to check some things through and then went into work to pick up some pay slips where I was lured in by the sale – I know I know – I have none of the green stuff at all which is actually why I wanted the friggin pay slips – but I was lured by a grey cashmere frilly cardigan which id had my eye on for ages. I walked from the sale section to the shoe section which is a lethal combination - I found some gorgeous deep navy platforms that remind me of a shoe Prada did, they are suede and patent and slide on and I just had to have them. If I’m being honest they were only £19.50 and then I get my staff discount…. so bargain oui?? I am also deciding what to have for my 21st -the options are becoming endless; I actually don’t have a working laptop anymore as I have a laptop that isn’t playing the laptop game, the result being that my mother thinks that I should get a new one which sounds great as I love the apple Mac notebook in white but then my nana thinks that I should have something special and something I would never be able to buy myself, she has always wanted to get me some real pearls as she thinks they are and always will be a classic and the other option is a real Mulberry or Prada handbag. So I really don’t know – any advice from readers would be much appreciated? Do I be sensible or damn well reckless as my nanny is right – I would never be able to buy myself some Prada. And like I said in my about me bit – a brother from some Prada, a fair swap wouldn’t you agree. I have as of late been questioning the ever unquestionable world of relationships and romance – I mean does one exist without the other? In fact nowadays I wonder where the romance has gone; when working in the run up to Valentines day I was amused and shocked to see the absolute lack of care when valentines cards were thrown down with what I can only describe as venom, now I am fully aware and full appreciate that valentines day is appallingly tacky and a commercial bomb but it did get me thinking why and when did it not become okay to be expressive to someone you love. Graeme doesn’t understand why I get ever so slightly pissed at not being given an anniversary card on our first year anniversary or not being given a valentines card last year - I did receive one this year but I think it was more out of fear of getting an ass whipping than anything else. I sometimes look at some old couples who look so in love and it makes me ache and I think to myself that you don’t see that so much anymore. I definitely didn’t see it with my parents and especially not now they have done down the Dolly Parton road of D.I.V.O.R.C.E so my opinion on romance and relationships has changed and I think it can make my relationship with Graeme more difficult… My only example of a relationship has been my parents and the grandparents – both have always been dysfunctional – my parents for example should have divorced a very long time ago and I think prolonged it for the sake of me and my brother when in truth we just wanted them to get on with it. And then there are my grandparents who I love dearly and who are my life, they celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary next January and that is phenomenal but again in truth they are each others companions now – they have weathered some storms in their time and now its mutual and quiet company that they provide each other. It just makes me wonder where all the butterflies go, where all the sparkle goes… are relationships like champagne all sparkly and bubbly until they go flat? I guess you just have to have the guts to go through with it regardless if it ends up like … well… spilt champagne. 

I am going to end it here because I am tired and my general Tuesday evenings include watching CSI and then going to bed and listening to my ipod until the land of sleep welcomes me – which is what I hope it does in the next hour.

Shona   

Read a little, Read alot.

This is very short just to say please feel free to read my blogs – I am keen for people to read them. I will do my first proper post soon but do read the about me section until then, it will at least show you how I write.

Shona